I’ve been struggling and struggling in my attempt to connect back through my ancestry to any sort of “indigenous” roots. At first I discounted any kind of personal connection to any of my ethnic background. I lately came around to thinking, well, I can pick-and-choose rituals and stories, and discard the belief system and facets of the culture that simply to not work for me or, more often, actually repel me. Most recently, though, I’m realizing that to make peace with my forebears, to take care of them and myself, I can’t simply toss away those beliefs that others tried to instill in me — instead, I am in serious need of working this out with my ancestors. To talk with them enough that we at least agree to disagree. So I am inviting them in.
However, I still suspect I will never find “indigeneity” since Jewish religion and culture is founded on laws and religious practices, not grounded in Place. The very notion of lower gods, statues/idols, totemic connections to Earth and Weather etc., would be one of the gravest sins in Judaism. Even for Jewish atheists (since Jews will never say you’re not a Jew, even if you don’t Believe). And as for Place, there were two temples built in Jerusalem, which was a cosmopolitan (for the times) administrative center, not a tribal home. There were Jews who farmed in Israel and Judah in antiquity, but there were no gods or spirits they dealt with, even in the context of growing food or hunting or dealing with weather. Only their one abstract, invisible, God, Adonai a/k/a Yahweh, who did/does not have representations in our material world.
Were I to attempt to pursue my lineage farther back than when the Jewish religion was established and then codified a few thousand years ago, I’d have to just “make it up” based on the fact that 75% of Jews have DNA of Middle Eastern origin (mixed in with a lot of European DNA). How do I even know if I am one of the 75%? I don’t. And how do I know what indigenous peoples I might come from prior to whenever my forebears became Jews? And how do I know that my Jewishness is not the result of some conversion in some unknown locale a millenium or two ago? I DON’T.
Therefore, for me and for any other Jew, in my opinion the very notion of establishing one’s actual indigenous roots is a fool’s errand. You’d just be concocting your pre-Jewish story from your imagination supported by some clues from Wikipedia or somewhere, and chances are good any conclusion you draw will not reflect your actual lineage. I could say “Canaanite or Sumerian” but I REALLY DON’T KNOW.
So what to do? How to find indigenous roots when you really don’t have any that are legitimate?
I’ve decided to engage but re-make for myself some of the rituals from Judaism: lighting candles, honoring the light. Making sure I sit in gratitude when I eat and drink. I have my own little morning prayer involving opening the curtains and exclaiming, “Hello, Day! I’m so glad to have another one!”. But I will do all these things without saying the ritual prayers to the sort of God I do not believe in, the ritual prayers that are made to, literally translated, “the King of the Universe.” Bleh. And following the laws written by men about their male God, all the patriarchy and repression of it, all the subsequent Rabbis who further interpreted and made more laws … none of this is “mine” at all, I will not suddenly become an observant Jew because I just wasn’t born to it, regardless of what family I landed in.
I have decided, though, that I will start saying the Kaddish (mourner’s prayer) on the anniversaries of my parents’ deaths. Not because the prayers fit my own belief system, but because my mother and father want me to recite the Hebrew words for them.
Finally, perhaps I can capture some magick I’m looking for by tapping into Jewish mysticism – numerology, tarot, astrology. Tarot in particular as a tool for contemplation, reflection, delving deep.
But I have no place. (Don’t even talk to me about today’s state of Israel.) No place. This has been the legacy, fate, and I believe the future of the Jews. No place.
kazaraj 